Living Loud with Bipolar 1 Disorder: My Daily Reality and a Reminder You're Not Alone

Some days, I wake up and feel like I could conquer the world. Other days, the idea of brushing my hair feel like climbing Mount Everest. That's the reality of living with Bipolar 1 disorder - a mental health condition I carry with me every single day, whether the world see it or not. 

 If you're not familiar with it, Bipolar 1 disorder is defined by extreme mood episodes that swing from manic highs to depressive lows. Unlike Bipolar 2, Bipolar 1 involves full-blown mania. These aren't just "good moods" or "bad days"- they're intense, often disruptive experiences that can make functioning normally feel impossible. 

What Mania Feels Like for Me: 

When I'm in a manic episode, it's like someone hit the gas pedal in my brain. I talk fast, think faster, barely sleep, and feel invincible - until the crash comes. I've made impulse decisions, spending money I don't have, started projects at 3 am, or pushed myself way past the point of exhaustion. In the moment, I feel electric. But behind that energy is often a frantic, out-of-control storm I can't stop. 

What Depression Feels Like for Me: 

Then there are the lows. The days when everything feels heavy. When getting out of bed, returning a message, or even taking care of myself feel like too much. I cry more. I feel numb. I question my worth. I isolate myself, even from the people I love most. And what's cruel is how quickly these shifts can come - sometimes without warning. 

What It Looks Like in My Everyday Life: 

• I constantly check in with myself. Trying to keep track of my moods, journalism if I can get words to flow (that is mainly why I began to blog here.) medication, therapy - that is all part of my routine. 
• I worry about how my mood might affect my daughter, my husband, and my friends. But I also give myself grace, because she's growing up with a mama who fights hard to be present. 
• Some days I show up 110%. Other days, I'm proud just to have shown up at all. 
• I live with structure because chaos can tip me into instability. Plan ahead, not spur of the moment type deals - only sometimes. Really depends what I can handle, but like I said, I never know until I'm in the moment. 
• I still experience guilt and shame sometimes, even though I know this isn't my fault.  

What Helps Me Cope: 

• Medication: Yes, I take medicine. No, it doesn't make me weak. It makes me stable. 
• Routine: Sleep, meals, boundaries. These are non-negotiable. 
• Support system: I lean on husband. I turn to my family when I feel I can, or my friends for that matter when appropriate. I talk openly with my doctor. I check in with my therapist. I've learned I can't do this alone. 
• Faith: My faith grounds me when nothing else makes sense. Even when I'm unraveling, I believe God is still holding all the threads. 
• Grace: I mess up. I overextend. I shut down. I start again the next day. 

Why I'm Sharing This: 

Because someone needs to hear it. May that someone is you. 

Maybe you've been labeled "too much" or "too emotional." Maybe you've wondered why your moods are so extreme or why you keep sabotaging yourself when things are going well. Maybe you've been dismissed or misunderstood. Maybe you're scared to get help. 

I see you. You're not crazy. You're not broken. You're not alone. 

Bipolar doesn't define me, but it is part of me. I don't carry shame anymore - I carry understanding, compassion and a fierce determination to thrive, not just survive. 

If you're struggling, please don't suffer in silence. Talk to someone. Reach out. You're worthy of support, love, and care. You deserve to heal. You deserve to feel peace. 

From one bipolar mama to another soul out there navigating this alongside me in this messy brain journey - I'm with you. We're in this together.  

Side note: Attached you will see the Zion Roadside Chapel. I have great memories here with my Zion family. One I will always cherish and never forget - the summer worship nights. This was my favorite hideout, somewhere I would go to just talk to Jesus. 

But, this is where it all started for me... the episodes. I still love this chapel dearly, but now in the current season, it makes me quite sad. It is hard for me to go visit. I was just there a few days ago for the first time in a couple months. I couldn't get myself to go back. I was scared. 

I don't understand why Jesus lead me to this beautiful structure, only to make me fearful of it now. I see it now and all I feel is sadness, anger, frustration, pain. But I know it's still beautiful. It just broke me beautifully. I can't explain it. 

Even though I have a history here, I'm praying like crazy that one day when I go back - I can bring my husband along and it won't be so difficult. I pray for our hearts to mend the brokenness I witnessed with my disorder here firsthand for the very first time. As it all officially became clear to me once I visited - things went downhill, fast.  

Lord - please get me to the heart posture you need me to be to return here without feeling beautifully broken. Mend my hurt, fear, pain I feel when I drive up. I pray Ariella knows of this chapel. I pray I can take her here one day when she's older and be able to tell her how it brought me beautifully to you - even through my brokenness. I pray you give me a strong heart here. Form new memories that I can share with my family. Thank you for your goodness and what I witnessed here that day. The day my life completely changed upside down in an instant. I am truly forever grateful. I have faith you will lead me here again when you need me to return. For now, please just work on this soft spot in my heart. Amen.